


But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue

by navaan



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Ficlet, Gen, Introspection, POV Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-18
Updated: 2011-02-18
Packaged: 2017-10-15 18:44:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/163770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/navaan/pseuds/navaan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During Waters of Mars the Doctor thinks of Donna and Pompeii and makes his fateful decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for [](http://community.livejournal.com/10_shakespeare/profile)[**10_shakespeare**](http://community.livejournal.com/10_shakespeare/)  for the lines _But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue_ from Hamlet that also made the title.

He had made three mistakes today. Three mistakes that may shape his fate now.

The first mistake had been to get involved. He should have found a way to leave the moment he had heard their names: Adelaide Brooke and her colleagues were legends. Legends because of their roles as pioneers, but also because of their unexplained and tragic deaths that ended an otherwise hopeful Mars mission. He knew that this event was fixed in time and all of this had to happen.

Against his better knowledge though he had let himself get dragged into it. He knew now _what_ had killed Adelaide and her companions. He could see it all play out in front of his eyes and that should have been his cue for leaving. But by then he had gotten to know these people. They had become more than names and that had made it harder and harder to just walk away.

Then he had made his second mistake.

He had thought of Donna. Of her desperation in Pompeii to be precise. Her shocked face, knowing exactly what was about to happen to all these unsuspecting families. She had wanted to change it, had wanted him to save these citizens of a doomed city. Her compassion had made her unable to understand that it wasn't possible. She hadn’t been able to take this in. And in the end they had brought about the fate of Pompeii, _because_ they had been trying to help. It had been hard on her. It hadn’t been that hard on him then. He had known what was going on - and he had known the rules, the boundaries.

The rules of time. Rules that told him how far he was allowed to go without destroying the time stream.

Of course, he shouldn’t have told Adelaide any of this. But it was breaking his heart not to give her _something_. At least, he'd tell her that her death would not be in vain and she could die knowing. No, it wouldn’t be in vain at all. It would be _important_.

So he had given in to the urge to tell her.

But she hadn't given up, resigning herself to her fate. She knew what he had told her, but she wasn't someone who would go down without a a fight. So Adelaide Brooke had sent him on his way to face and fight her fate alone.

Outside of the base there had been silence, the silence of a dead planet. But he had been able to hear every word that was spoken over the comm system. He shouldn’t have listened. Another mistake he had consciously made, wanting to at least preserve the last moments of these brave pioneers by committing them to his memory.

Every word reminded him of Donna, of Donna’s rage against the rule that made it necessary for thousands of people to die. And he knew these people now. They weren't just any unknown persons any longer. How could he ignore their desperation? Why should he care about the rules of time? No one but him was there to decide what was wrong or right anyway!

He was the only Lord of Time. Shouldn't he be making the rules?

Anger and pain had bubbled up and had turned into determination.

And thus he had turned around to take matters of time into his own hands.

It was only later, when they arrived on earth that he made his final mistake.

He had changed a fixed point and the future was still in flux all around him. The outcome wasn’t determined, yet. He didn’t care which way it would turn out, only that he had indeed changed it. Time was his playground now. He could go back and change what had happened at Canary Warf, could go back and stop the Master before he hurt Martha or Jack or _anyone_ , could go back and find a way to not lose Donna at all - he could even go back and stop any of the mistakes his previous regenerations had made, could he? The possibilities seemed endless. Time had no boundaries anymore – not for him.

Adelaide looked at him with a strange expression: not fear exactly, but fearful realization. “The whole of history could change. The future of the Human race. Doctor. No one should have that much power,” she told him. “You should have left us there.”

He couldn’t see that she had already come to a decision by then. He was too full of his own new found power.

But Adelaide, the human hero, could see the future so much more clearly than the Time Lord, the danger caused by his hubris. “This is wrong, Doctor. I don't care who you are. The Time Lord Victorious is wrong.”

The Doctor didn’t want to hear her words. He was far above the doubt of a mere human being.

He was watching her go to her home, knowing Adelaide Brooke would go on living, because he had made it so. He could go on to the next stop, time and space waiting...

Then there was a gunshot. It took him less than a second to understand what hat happened. Time stopped being in flux and snapped back, the future was set again. Adelaide Brooke had died on Earth, her story only slightly changed. Everything slammed back into place, the fixed point in time preserved, unchanged, untouched again.

And he finally knew he had gone too far.


End file.
